To agree or not to agree - that is the question.

I recently saw this on a friend's blog, and have been mulling over it for a while. There's no arguing that these are good words. They resonate deeply right now, and yet my agreement is still on the fence. I know that I should agree, but I just can't see to get my head and my heart in the same place on this one.

"He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is that you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. His purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby - you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying got get more nutrition out of it. And if youre not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."

"But I love him."

"So love him."

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of him because then you'll really be alone, and you're scared to death of what will happen if you're really alone. But here's what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot, a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using him to block that door. Let it go."

"But I wish we could -"

He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be."

-Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love

Not Your Momma's Prayer Time...

I just had prayer time on a waverunner. Yes, a waverunner. Or a "Water Harley" as JenJo likes to call it. I'm not talking about the kind of prayer you lift up from a waverunner when you are the unwilling passenger of a wreckless driver. Or the kind of prayer you say through clenched teeth as you've pushed the machine harder than you can handle. I'm talking about prayers being lifted up as you speed away from something, or towards something, or through or around something.

I needed to take off, feel the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the waves beside me and the speed beneath me. I needed to hold the throttle wide open and at the same time talk wide open with God. I have so many questions for Him right now. Namely, why? Why, God? Why am I still in this place with these same feelings? Why are things the way they are? Why can't I get over this, get past this? Why is my heart breaking...still...again? Why does he want her instead of me? Why do I want him over anyone else? Why haven't you turned his heart? Why haven't you turned mine? Why have I had dreams? Why have others had dreams that confirmed my dreams? Why did I have to be asked about him yet again today? Why would I have these desires if they aren’t going to be fulfilled?

The great thing about having prayer time like this on a waverunner is that your tears are hidden by the waves that splash up on your face so no one knows except you and God.

Now the hard part is listening for His answer and trusting His voice.

“Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief.”