To agree or not to agree - that is the question.
I recently saw this on a friend's blog, and have been mulling over it for a while. There's no arguing that these are good words. They resonate deeply right now, and yet my agreement is still on the fence. I know that I should agree, but I just can't see to get my head and my heart in the same place on this one.
"He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is that you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. His purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby - you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying got get more nutrition out of it. And if youre not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."
"But I love him."
"So love him."
"But I miss him."
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of him because then you'll really be alone, and you're scared to death of what will happen if you're really alone. But here's what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot, a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using him to block that door. Let it go."
"But I wish we could -"
He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be."
-Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love
Friday, July 20, 2007
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Not Your Momma's Prayer Time...
I just had prayer time on a waverunner. Yes, a waverunner. Or a "Water Harley" as JenJo likes to call it. I'm not talking about the kind of prayer you lift up from a waverunner when you are the unwilling passenger of a wreckless driver. Or the kind of prayer you say through clenched teeth as you've pushed the machine harder than you can handle. I'm talking about prayers being lifted up as you speed away from something, or towards something, or through or around something.
I needed to take off, feel the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the waves beside me and the speed beneath me. I needed to hold the throttle wide open and at the same time talk wide open with God. I have so many questions for Him right now. Namely, why? Why, God? Why am I still in this place with these same feelings? Why are things the way they are? Why can't I get over this, get past this? Why is my heart breaking...still...again? Why does he want her instead of me? Why do I want him over anyone else? Why haven't you turned his heart? Why haven't you turned mine? Why have I had dreams? Why have others had dreams that confirmed my dreams? Why did I have to be asked about him yet again today? Why would I have these desires if they aren’t going to be fulfilled?
The great thing about having prayer time like this on a waverunner is that your tears are hidden by the waves that splash up on your face so no one knows except you and God.
Now the hard part is listening for His answer and trusting His voice.
“Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief.”
I just had prayer time on a waverunner. Yes, a waverunner. Or a "Water Harley" as JenJo likes to call it. I'm not talking about the kind of prayer you lift up from a waverunner when you are the unwilling passenger of a wreckless driver. Or the kind of prayer you say through clenched teeth as you've pushed the machine harder than you can handle. I'm talking about prayers being lifted up as you speed away from something, or towards something, or through or around something.
I needed to take off, feel the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the waves beside me and the speed beneath me. I needed to hold the throttle wide open and at the same time talk wide open with God. I have so many questions for Him right now. Namely, why? Why, God? Why am I still in this place with these same feelings? Why are things the way they are? Why can't I get over this, get past this? Why is my heart breaking...still...again? Why does he want her instead of me? Why do I want him over anyone else? Why haven't you turned his heart? Why haven't you turned mine? Why have I had dreams? Why have others had dreams that confirmed my dreams? Why did I have to be asked about him yet again today? Why would I have these desires if they aren’t going to be fulfilled?
The great thing about having prayer time like this on a waverunner is that your tears are hidden by the waves that splash up on your face so no one knows except you and God.
Now the hard part is listening for His answer and trusting His voice.
“Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief.”
Monday, May 07, 2007
Sparked thoughts…
Was my hair not brown enough?
Were my eyes not blue enough?
Was my touch not light enough?
Did my arms hold you too tight?
Was my kiss too weak?
Was I just too nice?
Was my baggage too light?
Was my past not dark enough?
Did I expect too much of you?
Did I love you too much?
Or was it that I just wasn’t her?
Was my hair not brown enough?
Were my eyes not blue enough?
Was my touch not light enough?
Did my arms hold you too tight?
Was my kiss too weak?
Was I just too nice?
Was my baggage too light?
Was my past not dark enough?
Did I expect too much of you?
Did I love you too much?
Or was it that I just wasn’t her?
Monday, April 23, 2007
Leave The Pieces
You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round
You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown
[Chorus]
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on
Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone
[Chorus]
You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Chorus]
Leave the pieces when you go
Oh, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
~ The Wreckers
You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round
You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown
[Chorus]
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go
You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on
Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone
[Chorus]
You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[Chorus]
Leave the pieces when you go
Oh, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
~ The Wreckers
Monday, March 19, 2007
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Waiting
I'm waiting. I'm in a holding pattern. I have been for quite some time now over several things and while those things have mostly played out now there's still a couple of situations that still have me waiting. I'm not the most patient person, but I trust God has a reason behind it and I just have to wait on His timing to find out what it's all for. I try to keep myself busy so I'm distracted from the waiting, but at the same time I wonder if I sat still long enough to listen maybe God would whisper some hints to my heart as to what this is all leading toward. I guess I long to have an experience in which God would tell me why I'm waiting or at least say something to make the waiting easier. But then I guess that wouldn't really be waiting and would negate the whole point, huh? So I guess I'll just continue to wait.
I'm waiting. I'm in a holding pattern. I have been for quite some time now over several things and while those things have mostly played out now there's still a couple of situations that still have me waiting. I'm not the most patient person, but I trust God has a reason behind it and I just have to wait on His timing to find out what it's all for. I try to keep myself busy so I'm distracted from the waiting, but at the same time I wonder if I sat still long enough to listen maybe God would whisper some hints to my heart as to what this is all leading toward. I guess I long to have an experience in which God would tell me why I'm waiting or at least say something to make the waiting easier. But then I guess that wouldn't really be waiting and would negate the whole point, huh? So I guess I'll just continue to wait.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
3,061 < 800
Anyone that knows me knows that I’m horrible at math. But let me assure you that the title of this blog is not only intentional, but also completely correct. Ok, not mathematically, but in theory. Allow me to explain…
I just recently moved out of a house that is over 3,000 square feet. I lived there for 2 ½ years with five other girls. Read that again if you need to…yes, there were SIX of us in that house. It was fun at times, but the longer I lived there the less the house felt like a home to me. It even began to feel suffocating. There were many nights, many Saturday mornings, many ways physically, relationally and metaphorically that I felt confined to my bedroom. There were several times I pulled in the driveway and pulled right back out. There were many times I’d drive by and keep on driving. No one should have to live like that.
So I bought my own place. After much delay and many snags along the way, I now call 800 square feet mine. It’s not much, but it’s all mine. I don’t have to share it with anyone else…unless I want to. It’s surprising to me how roomy these 800 square feet feel, especially in comparison to my previous 3,000+ square feet. I feel as though I can stretch out a little farther. I can breathe a little easier. I can be loud or I can be quiet. I can stay out all night or spend the night in. I feel like I can do more in these 800 square feet than I could in those 3,061 square feet. The difference – it feels like home.
Thank you, Hogan, for being exactly what I needed 2 ½ years ago. Thank you, brothel, for all the parties and all the fun. Thank you for all you taught me. Thank you for breaking me. Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for finally being part of my past.
There’s no place like home.
Anyone that knows me knows that I’m horrible at math. But let me assure you that the title of this blog is not only intentional, but also completely correct. Ok, not mathematically, but in theory. Allow me to explain…
I just recently moved out of a house that is over 3,000 square feet. I lived there for 2 ½ years with five other girls. Read that again if you need to…yes, there were SIX of us in that house. It was fun at times, but the longer I lived there the less the house felt like a home to me. It even began to feel suffocating. There were many nights, many Saturday mornings, many ways physically, relationally and metaphorically that I felt confined to my bedroom. There were several times I pulled in the driveway and pulled right back out. There were many times I’d drive by and keep on driving. No one should have to live like that.
So I bought my own place. After much delay and many snags along the way, I now call 800 square feet mine. It’s not much, but it’s all mine. I don’t have to share it with anyone else…unless I want to. It’s surprising to me how roomy these 800 square feet feel, especially in comparison to my previous 3,000+ square feet. I feel as though I can stretch out a little farther. I can breathe a little easier. I can be loud or I can be quiet. I can stay out all night or spend the night in. I feel like I can do more in these 800 square feet than I could in those 3,061 square feet. The difference – it feels like home.
Thank you, Hogan, for being exactly what I needed 2 ½ years ago. Thank you, brothel, for all the parties and all the fun. Thank you for all you taught me. Thank you for breaking me. Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for finally being part of my past.
There’s no place like home.
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