Down on the corner...

I often laugh at the fact that I live in between two of Nashville's umm..."finer" establishments - Hustler and Hooters. The other night (after the storms) while I was walking home I saw this on the marquee at Hooters...

"IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY AT HOOTERS"

Nice. This will do nothing but perpetuate the rumors that I moonlight there for extra cash.

I stepped out on the limb
And you responded
I must have read it a hundred times
I’ll see you Sunday you said
Let the countdown begin
I can’t remember the last time
I was this excited to see someone
You have me intrigued
You have me interested
And it’s been a really long time
Since someone’s done that to me
Have I finally turned the corner?
Am I finally over the past?
There are some big shoes to fill
And with everything in me
I hope you are up to the task
I think about you…and wonder
And it makes me think about myself
It makes me want to be a better me
It makes me want to be stronger
Because I think you deserve that

I hope that you see me
Really see me
I want you to notice me

I noticed you

And I want to know more

Can you hear me now?

This week I think that God is trying to tell me that He knows exactly where I am, regardless of the fact that I'm not really wanting to talk to Him much. Oh, I'm still talking to him, but mostly just lifting up other people. I'm not in the mood to lift myself up in prayer right now mainly because I'm scared of what He will say back. It's all rather silly, I know. I realize that I'm a bit of a spoiled brat in this scenario. And yet, every day this week, it has felt as though He's been gently tapping me on the shoulder just to say "Can you hear me now? I'm right here beside you." Not in a threatening kind of way. Not in a way that scares me. It's actually really comforting and affirming. I want to greet it with a sigh of relief and even a little chuckle.

You see, it all started on Sunday during church. It was yet another message that has me convinced that Randy reads my journal and has my brain tapped. Then on Monday in the midst of work at sales conference I met an intern that goes to school at St. Andrews in Scotland (a place that I'll be visiting in a couple of weeks!) Then on Tuesday we had a guest speaker give a sample presentation of a children's ministry lesson. Can you guess what the lesson was on? Prayer, of course. Then at lunch our speaker was a former resident of Edinburgh, Scotland and talked about it in her presentation which was about her new book on the subject of...you guessed it, prayer. She had a really challenging message. She quoted someone (who I can't remember the name of right now) and he said this...

For everything that has been, thank you.

For everything that will be, yes.

What boldness...to pray that prayer. It's a huge challenge. It's scares the hell out of me. I can't even get past the first part of it, much less begin to even think about the second part. I do take some comfort in the fact that the speaker said she wrestled with this for an entire year.

The past five years have not been easy nor pretty in my prayer life. As I approach yet another birthday, I think I'm realizing that this isn't going to get any easier. This is just the beginning. It's relationship. It's communication at it's purest form - talking and listening. I've tried to shut down the conversation many times, but He just won't let me. He is longing to talk to me and to hear from me. Almighty God wants to talk to me! I can't even fathom it. I need to stop being such a spoiled rotten brat and listen. I'm pretty sure that whatever He has to say is pretty important and that I do not want to miss out on it. His will is going to happen regardless, but I will miss out on the blessing if I choose to not listen. I also have to remember that He will always answer me, but it may not be in the way that I want Him to. And when He answers differently than I want Him to, it does not mean that He loves me any less. He knows me better than I know myself and He knows what is best and has better things in store for me than I could ever plan out for myself.

Speaking of plans for myself, I'm going to NYC and Scotland at the end of the month! I'm hoping it will be just what I need right now...to get out, do something completely new, to recharge me.

So, yes, I hear you, Lord. Thank you for always finding me right where I am. Thank you for never leaving and always listening. Help me to listen to what you have to say to me.

To agree or not to agree - that is the question.

I recently saw this on a friend's blog, and have been mulling over it for a while. There's no arguing that these are good words. They resonate deeply right now, and yet my agreement is still on the fence. I know that I should agree, but I just can't see to get my head and my heart in the same place on this one.

"He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is that you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. His purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby - you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying got get more nutrition out of it. And if youre not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."

"But I love him."

"So love him."

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of him because then you'll really be alone, and you're scared to death of what will happen if you're really alone. But here's what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot, a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using him to block that door. Let it go."

"But I wish we could -"

He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be."

-Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love

Not Your Momma's Prayer Time...

I just had prayer time on a waverunner. Yes, a waverunner. Or a "Water Harley" as JenJo likes to call it. I'm not talking about the kind of prayer you lift up from a waverunner when you are the unwilling passenger of a wreckless driver. Or the kind of prayer you say through clenched teeth as you've pushed the machine harder than you can handle. I'm talking about prayers being lifted up as you speed away from something, or towards something, or through or around something.

I needed to take off, feel the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the waves beside me and the speed beneath me. I needed to hold the throttle wide open and at the same time talk wide open with God. I have so many questions for Him right now. Namely, why? Why, God? Why am I still in this place with these same feelings? Why are things the way they are? Why can't I get over this, get past this? Why is my heart breaking...still...again? Why does he want her instead of me? Why do I want him over anyone else? Why haven't you turned his heart? Why haven't you turned mine? Why have I had dreams? Why have others had dreams that confirmed my dreams? Why did I have to be asked about him yet again today? Why would I have these desires if they aren’t going to be fulfilled?

The great thing about having prayer time like this on a waverunner is that your tears are hidden by the waves that splash up on your face so no one knows except you and God.

Now the hard part is listening for His answer and trusting His voice.

“Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief.”

Sparked thoughts…

Was my hair not brown enough?
Were my eyes not blue enough?
Was my touch not light enough?
Did my arms hold you too tight?
Was my kiss too weak?
Was I just too nice?
Was my baggage too light?
Was my past not dark enough?
Did I expect too much of you?
Did I love you too much?

Or was it that I just wasn’t her?

Leave The Pieces

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

[Chorus]
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

[Chorus]

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

Leave the pieces when you go
Oh, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go

~ The Wreckers

My song...

There is a song inside of me
I can hear the orchestra tuning
Preparing to triumphantly play it's debut
My entire being longs for it to finally be heard

My voice wants to sing
My body wants to dance
My soul longs to express it

if only I knew the words...

Waiting

I'm waiting. I'm in a holding pattern. I have been for quite some time now over several things and while those things have mostly played out now there's still a couple of situations that still have me waiting. I'm not the most patient person, but I trust God has a reason behind it and I just have to wait on His timing to find out what it's all for. I try to keep myself busy so I'm distracted from the waiting, but at the same time I wonder if I sat still long enough to listen maybe God would whisper some hints to my heart as to what this is all leading toward. I guess I long to have an experience in which God would tell me why I'm waiting or at least say something to make the waiting easier. But then I guess that wouldn't really be waiting and would negate the whole point, huh? So I guess I'll just continue to wait.

Great advice from a great friend...

"I guess the best advice I can offer isn't to guard your heart so much as it is to make sure that following it always has you going in the same direction as following your heart for God."