Can you hear me now?

This week I think that God is trying to tell me that He knows exactly where I am, regardless of the fact that I'm not really wanting to talk to Him much. Oh, I'm still talking to him, but mostly just lifting up other people. I'm not in the mood to lift myself up in prayer right now mainly because I'm scared of what He will say back. It's all rather silly, I know. I realize that I'm a bit of a spoiled brat in this scenario. And yet, every day this week, it has felt as though He's been gently tapping me on the shoulder just to say "Can you hear me now? I'm right here beside you." Not in a threatening kind of way. Not in a way that scares me. It's actually really comforting and affirming. I want to greet it with a sigh of relief and even a little chuckle.

You see, it all started on Sunday during church. It was yet another message that has me convinced that Randy reads my journal and has my brain tapped. Then on Monday in the midst of work at sales conference I met an intern that goes to school at St. Andrews in Scotland (a place that I'll be visiting in a couple of weeks!) Then on Tuesday we had a guest speaker give a sample presentation of a children's ministry lesson. Can you guess what the lesson was on? Prayer, of course. Then at lunch our speaker was a former resident of Edinburgh, Scotland and talked about it in her presentation which was about her new book on the subject of...you guessed it, prayer. She had a really challenging message. She quoted someone (who I can't remember the name of right now) and he said this...

For everything that has been, thank you.

For everything that will be, yes.

What boldness...to pray that prayer. It's a huge challenge. It's scares the hell out of me. I can't even get past the first part of it, much less begin to even think about the second part. I do take some comfort in the fact that the speaker said she wrestled with this for an entire year.

The past five years have not been easy nor pretty in my prayer life. As I approach yet another birthday, I think I'm realizing that this isn't going to get any easier. This is just the beginning. It's relationship. It's communication at it's purest form - talking and listening. I've tried to shut down the conversation many times, but He just won't let me. He is longing to talk to me and to hear from me. Almighty God wants to talk to me! I can't even fathom it. I need to stop being such a spoiled rotten brat and listen. I'm pretty sure that whatever He has to say is pretty important and that I do not want to miss out on it. His will is going to happen regardless, but I will miss out on the blessing if I choose to not listen. I also have to remember that He will always answer me, but it may not be in the way that I want Him to. And when He answers differently than I want Him to, it does not mean that He loves me any less. He knows me better than I know myself and He knows what is best and has better things in store for me than I could ever plan out for myself.

Speaking of plans for myself, I'm going to NYC and Scotland at the end of the month! I'm hoping it will be just what I need right now...to get out, do something completely new, to recharge me.

So, yes, I hear you, Lord. Thank you for always finding me right where I am. Thank you for never leaving and always listening. Help me to listen to what you have to say to me.