New Year, New Beginnings, New Goals

It's been quite a while since I've written a blog post and quite a bit has happened in my life. Most importantly, I got married! I wasn't sure my Mr. Right was ever going to come along, but he finally did, and I couldn't be happier!

I also resigned from my dream job as a personal trainer with a great gym and even greater co-workers and moved back home with my new husband to be closer to my family. After several job interviews and several offers that just didn't quite fit, I decided to go out on my own and start my own personal training business. I'm equal parts excited and scared! I feel it's what I'm being call to do though. Lots more on that to come, so stay tuned!

I've also decided to partner with Advocare for my personal nutritional supplements. I love that it gives me a great line of products to offer my personal training clients to help them reach their goals. There's something for everyone, and I'm so glad that this will help me offer a more complete wellness package to those I'm privileged to train. I'll be sharing more about my journey with Advocare and what their products are doing for me and my husband. Lots of great benefits to share!

One of my biggest goals this year is to fall in love with running. I started running as a little girl because my hero, my Daddy, was a runner. I wanted to do whatever he was doing, so I wanted to run because he ran. I have great memories of running with him. Then I got into sports, and as I began playing at higher competitive levels, running was often used as punishment. Somewhere along the way, my mental view of running shifted and I have viewed it as punishment ever since. Yet, I've continued to run. I've run 5Ks, half marathons, triathlons and even trained clients to do the same. All while stuck in my "running is punishment" mindset. As fate would have it, I'm now married to a cross country and track coach, who is obviously passionate about running. It should be said that I've always wanted to like running, and have at least made progress in the last few years to not see running so much as punishment anymore, but I still can't honestly say that I enjoy it. I get bored easily and find it mentally tough to keep my head in the game. My brain tells me to quit long before my body does. So, partly for me, and partly for the love of my life, I want to fall in love with running this year. And this is how I plan to do it:

1. New gear - Santa brought me a new pair of running shoes and I used additional Christmas money to splurge and buy myself a really nice top for cold weather running. I was so excited for my run today because I had new shoes and clothes to wear. Now, I don't have the kind of bank account that would allow for new clothes for every run, but I'll be more likely to go if I have gear that keeps me comfortable, and feeling cute in them doesn't hurt either!
2. Rewards (big and small) - Today (Jan. 3rd) I set a goal of running three miles. (3 miles on Jan. 3, get it?) Anyway, in keeping with the theme, I bought 3 new songs to add to my running playlist to update it a bit. I'll admit that I really wanted to quit after two miles, but then I dialed up my new songs and cranked out that last mile. My next reward is a bit bigger. I've had my eye on a really cute pair of running tights for a couple of months, but they cost about $100. So I've made a promise to myself that once I've logged 100 miles of running, then I can go get those tights as my reward. Then, refer back to #1 - new gear! 
3. Travel - My husband and I both LOVE to travel. So we've decided to use running as an excuse to travel. I've always wanted to go to Savannah, and the Rock-N-Roll race series recently started hosting a race there. It's definitely on my radar as a race I'd like to run. I'm hoping that getting to see new sights in new cities will help me love the running even more. What a great way to see new places!

Those are my plans and goals for now. I'm putting it out there as a way of keeping myself accountable, and documenting the journey. I hope you'll continue to come back and keep me accountable. I'd love to hear your thoughts and advice on running. If running's not your thing, what are your goals for this year? Anything I can help with? I'd be happy to help in any way I can. 

Happy New Year!

Be well, 

Sunny

Mix Up Your Workout Routine With Some Variety

Are you bored with your workouts? Do you feel stuck in a rut? Have you stopped getting the results you want? If you answered "YES!" to any (or all) of these questions then it's time to make a change and add in some variety!

Variety is all about changing something in your current routine or trying a completely different activity. People who do the same workouts and activities all the time are more likely to plateau sooner than those who vary them. In addition, your body can also adapt to these exercises so that they don't offer the same benefits that they once did. A little variety might be just the thing you need to get the scale moving again or bust through that strength plateau.

If you like some consistency and don't want to change your workout each time you hit the gym, change your routine at least every 4-8 weeks. This includes incorporating changes to both your cardio (adding speed, distance, resistance) and strength training exercises (changing sets, reps, weight, etc.) This will keep you from getting bored and keep your body progressing toward your fitness goals.

Here are a few more ideas of how to break out of your workout rut:

Swap routines with a friend – Take turns teaching each other some of your favorite exercises. You're bound to learn something new, or come up with new ideas together.

Take your workout outside – It's the perfect time of year to move your activities outside! Ride a bike. Swim some laps in the pool. Chase the kids around the park. Take the dog for a run. Something as simple as a change of scenery can also make a difference in your motivation and enjoyment of a workout.

Try a new exercise class – Classes are a great way to try new activities, learn from instructors and meet other class members with similar interests. There's a wide spectrum of classes from yoga to spin, Zumba to Hip-hop, step to kick-boxing, and even hula-hooping!

Try a boot camp - No class offers more variety than boot camp. Boot camp classes are a great way to keep your muscles challenged, your body guessing, and the results coming. Check with your local Y for more information about boot camp class offerings and come see what your body can do! For those of you in Nashville, I have a new class starting at the Downtown Y on June 19th. Come join us!

Recovery for Half and Full Marathons

This past weekend, many of my friends and clients participated in the Country Music Half and Full marathons. Congratulations to them all! Now begins the process of recovery. Recovering from a half or full marathon is as much a process as training for race day. Recovery begins the second you cross the finish line, and complete recovery can take from a couple of weeks to a full month. Follow these tips to a efficient recovery:


Immediately following the race:

• Once you've crossed the finish line, KEEP MOVING! Take at least 10 minutes to keep walking around. Stopping suddenly can cause fainting or cause blood to pool in the veins of the legs. Slow, steady movement also helps prevent the build-up of lactic acid. 
• Be sure to replace electrolytes, potassium and sodium. Grab a bottle of your favorite sports drink to help rehydrate and replenish your body. 
• Within 30-45 minutes of finishing, EAT! The body will be VERY receptive to being refueled. Choose something rich in carbohydrates, lean in protein and low in fat to help replenish the body's energy stores and to rebuild muscle damage. Examples: a bowl of rice with lean chicken or a bowl of healthy cereal with milk. If you just don't feel like eating, then enjoy a nice tall glass of chocolate milk. The carbohydrate to protein ratio of chocolate milk is darn near perfect for recovering muscles.

 2 hours post-race:

• Give yourself the pro-athlete treatment. Draw yourself a lukewarm bath. Soak and add ice cubes. While it might not sound entirely enjoyable, it's a really efficient way to soothe tired muscles and help prevent swelling. The pros know!

3+ hours post-race:

• Once the body has had time to replace glycogen and fluid levels, it's safe to take an anti-inflammatory product. Avoid taking them immediately after your event, but later they can help reduce swelling and pain due to stiffness.

In the days that follow:

• Soreness can last for 2 to 3 days. If it lasts longer or worsens, see a physical therapist or a orthopedic specialist. Always better safe than sorry! Continue to eat carbohydrate-rich foods to replenish the body's energy stores. Be sure to get good, quality rest and sleep. That's when the body does it's best recovering. Take a week off from running, longer if you ran a longer distance. While your body's soreness will subside in a couple of days, there's still a good bit of internal healing that needs to happen. The body is also more prone to injury if not healed properly. Do 20-30 minutes of cross-training, and focus on flexibility. Cross-training activities should be low-impact to allow you to increase circulation to your healing muscles without pounding on the muscles, tendons and joints. Find a spin class, a yoga class or hit the pool for some laps. A widely-used guideline is to take an easy day for every mile you ran. So for you marathoners, that means 26 days of easy activity and runs before racing again. Ease back into mileage as well. 

Most importantly, listen to your body. Every race is different, as is every recovery. Let the aches and pains be your guide. It's okay to take it easy and let the rest be an investment towards your success in your next endeavor!

 

 

 

 

 

Itty Bitty Bikes

Last month, I volunteered for the Nashville Kids Triathlon. Since I've done triathlons before, they placed me in the transition area to help races transition from one event to the next. I had to take a picture of all the itty bitty bikes hanging from the bike racks! As you can see there were lots of pink princess bikes, Spiderman bikes and a wide assortment of bike bells. Some of them even still had training wheels! So cute! It was great to see over four hundred youngsters getting into triathlon!

"I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends"

The song titled above has been playing on repeat in my mind's jukebox today. I think I know why.

Last night was a much needed recharge at the end of a long busy day. I arrived to my church fellowship group early to find my girls, Gina and Christina hanging out. I joined and received a rejuvenation I didn't even know I was needing. From things they said, they did as well. It didn't take much, really. We chatted for less than half an hour, laughed over dinner and then left the discussion group early to all attend to different personal matters. Yet, it was just enough to satiate my soul in a way I wasn't expecting. I love those girls and have definitely been blessed by their friendships over the last several years. The encouragement and accountability they provide in my life have kept me afloat more times than I can count and most likely more times than I might even know this side of heaven.

Then there's Becka. She and I had the most unusual beginning. We have a large group of mutual friends that all went to college together. We frequently ended up at the same parties, but inevitably these parties would digress into one large stroll down college memory lane that left Becka and I out. So we began to migrate towards each other at these functions and make up our own shared college memories. Those fake memories then began turning into real ones as we began to hang out without the mutual friends. Now several years later, after life has had several twists and turns, neither of us hang with that group much anymore, but our own friendship has never been stronger. I got to stand beside Becka as she got married this past summer and we've entered into a new chapter of friendship. She married the male version of me and they have become one of the few couples that I can hang out with not feel like a third wheel. Because we are close in age and have kindred convictions, she understands aspects of my life that very few others can. I'm so glad we didn't go to college with our friends or else we might have never bonded.

Another dear friend of mine, Brittany, is a constant source of loyalty, honesty, accountability and spiritual companionship in my life. We have committed to hanging out at least weekly in order to catch up and dissect life together. That commitment means the world to me. And speaking of world, Brittany has shown it to me. Literally. Her love of all things international has taught me so much and sparked new interests in me as well. We've traveled across the pond together and that's hopefully just the first of the stamps we'll collect in our passports together. Another passion of hers is literacy, which brings me to the main point of this post. For the Lenten season, Britt has decided to give up reading in order to better understand the plight of those with little or no reading skills and to raise awareness of the issue. I'm so proud of her for taking this on and am beyond excited to see how this season unfolds. I've already learned a ton and expect that it will continue to change me as I walk alongside her through this adventure. Here's Britt's first blog about the experiment. Please read. I hope you are educated, enlightened and challenged by her words and her passion. I know I am.

40 Days Without Words

As I conclude this post and reflect upon what's been written after the title, I'm beyond blessed to realize that I don't just get by, I THRIVE with the help of my friends.

So I've thought a lot lately about blogging again. Not really sure why. Perhaps because I haven't journaled in a long time. But when I think about my blog, I'm torn about what direction I'd like to take with it. Part of me had the idea of it being like a compilation of Facebook-esque status updates that I don't feel comfortable posting on Facebook. (I guess I feel they'd be safer here since I don't have many, if any readers here.) Another part of me would like to blog about my experiences in the world of health and fitness as I work in one of Middle Tennessee's premier fitness facilities. Posts would range from nutrition and exercises to the random, hilarious, shocking, touching or motivating things seen at the gym. I would also reserve the right to blog about anything else that tickles my fancy, of course. I've never been one to be easily contained or filed away in a narrow category.

If anyone is out there reading, leave a comment, your blog site and other blogs you read so I can learn from you and others out there in the blogosphere. Happy blogging to us all!

I was surprised how sad I was to hear of Michael Jackson's passing. The new playlist is in his honor. Despite all the weird stories that have circulated about him, his talent was undeniable and will probably be unmatched in our lifetime.

I'm a sucker for a good beat and have always loved to shake my groove thang. Upon hearing of his death, I spent some good time digging up videos of MJ's dance moves on YouTube. I was amazed at how many of today's hip hop moves were used YEARS even DECADES ago by MJ. He, of course, does them like no one else, but it's very interesting to see how many of them appeared in his videos and performances before anyone knew what to call them - popping, locking, waving, isolations, gliding, breaking, etc.

While watching the videos, I realized that the moonwalk was much more difficult than I had initially believed. I'll work on it and perhaps even break it out at the next dance party, only in honor of MJ, of course.

Here is one of my favorite tributes to MJ - the Jabbawockeez on ABDC...

Scattered, Smothered and Covered

The above is probably best known as the way to order hash browns at the Waffle House, but it's also the title of an album of cover songs done by Hootie and the Blowfish. I think the album name is genius. I wish I had come up with it myself. Instead I'll just use it here to introduce my new playlist. I've dedicated it (for now) to some of my favorite cover songs. If I have any readers out there, leave me a comment and let me know some of your favorite cover songs. They just might appear in my playlist for your listening pleasure.

As you probably already know, the name of my blog comes from the beginning of the Sesame Street theme song. I recently found this video and from the second it started I wanted this to be the theme song for my blog. Check it out...



And as long as we're on the Sesame Street theme, here's another one that I think is hilarious! Whoever thought this up and edited it is quite brilliant. Enjoy!

Yesterday was a long day filled with lots of driving, but the entire day was incredible. I set out early from Nashville because I knew it could potentially take an hour to get to my destination. It was a beautiful morning for a drive. I was headed to a rural part of Tennessee that lies beyond Gallatin and Hendersonville. I made good time and pulled down a long gravel driveway where I met my new friend. We'll call her Casey because I want to respect her privacy in these matters. Casey and I hit it off immediately. Conversation flowed easily. As we meandered down scenic highways, we began sharing our stories. She actually went first without any prompting. As her story concluding, bringing us to the present moment, she turned to look at me and simply asked, "Why are you doing this? It's such a long distance for you to drive. Why are you helping me?"

As I had prayed, God provided the perfect opportunity for me to share my story with her and answer her questions directly. I told her that I was just an adopted kid that figures someone did this for my birthmother at some point and that it was my honor to be able to do this for her. She was so sweet and very appreciative. She shared that the pregnancy had been difficult and that she will be relieved when the baby finally comes. Yet, she's nervous about it as well. She knows that what lies ahead of her will not be easy. She voiced some anxiety about having to give up the baby, but she is resolute in her decision. I told her that I couldn't imagine how difficult the decision must be and even more so the carrying out of it, but I assured her that an adopted child never forgets. I told her how I think of my birthmother often and pray that she is as blessed as her decision as allowed my life to be. I was so glad to have the opportunity to say to her the things that I would share with my own birthmother. I hope they helped her have even more peace about her decision.

When we arrived to the adoption agency, we were warmly greeted by the ladies that work there. Casey was nervous about meeting the family she's chosen for her child, but the ladies there calmed her fears and counseled her about the days schedule of events. I left in order to give them privacy, but prayed for them all from a distance.

When I returned to pick up Casey, she was grinning from ear-to-ear. She said she was incredibly nervous the first few minutes with the family and felt as though they were to, but she said it quickly wore off and they had a great visit together. She was really pleased with her decision and was happy that her child would be raised by this family.

Then came my favorite moment of the day. We were quietly riding along the rural highways with the sun shining in the windows. I thought Casey was dozing because she had mentioned that she tires so quickly as she nears her delivery date, but she turned to me and quite out of nowhere said that she had picked out a name for the baby. She shared the name and I agreed that it was a great name. Apparently that came up during her meeting with the family, and (hold on to your seats) the family had picked the exact same name for the baby! How amazing is that?!? I think we both choked back some emotion. I swallowed the lump in my throat and told her that I thought that was such an incredible sign of confirmation of her decision and her choice of a family for her baby. She grinned from ear-to-ear, turned to look out the window and we continued to ride a ways more in silence.

As we turned down Casey's gravel driveway, she graciously thanked me for the ride and the company during the trip. I wished her all the best and told her it had really been my pleasure and an honor to help her. I meant it more than my meager words could express in that moment.

"Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by doing so some have entertained angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:1,2

Some time ago, there was a teenage girl in Memphis, TN. She was a good student, well-liked by her friends at school and loved to dance. But she got some unexpected news that threatened to change all of that. She found out she was pregnant. She was faced with a decision, and the effects of it's outcome would be incalculable regardless of what she choose.

She decided that she could not adequately provide for the tiny life growing inside of her. She wanted more for her unborn child than she could offer. She knew others would be able to give her baby everything she couldn't. She choose adoption.

There was a family of three in Alabama - a father, a mother and a daughter. The parents wanted to add to their family, but were having great difficulty doing so. They had so much love to give. They desperately wanted to share their lives with another. They choose adoption.

There was a baby girl born in Memphis that found an incredible family and a new home in Alabama. The little girl was given everything in life she could have ever wanted. The prayers of many were answered and lives were forever changed. It all started with the brave, selfless decision of a teenage girl in Memphis.

Tonight, there is a pregnant girl just outside of Nashville that has made this same brave, selfless decision. She has chosen adoption. She has chosen a family for her unborn child.

Tonight, the little girl born in Memphis and raised in Alabama is eagerly anticipating tomorrow. She will have the privilege of helping the pregnant girl make it to Nashville to meet the parents she's chosen for her unborn child. By doing so, that little adopted girl remembers the teenage girl and the decision made in Memphis. She remembers her family and the wonderful life she was given in Alabama. She hopes that tomorrow will be the beginning of the same type of beautiful journey for the birthmother and adoptive parents she'll meet.

Good Riddance, 2008!

I pride myself on being an optimistic person. I'm usually an open book with people, unless I have nothing positive to report. Then I prefer to stay quiet rather than share what's going on with me, for fear of bringing the other person down. I'm making an exception to that with this blog post (and maybe just a couple more.) I feel as though I need to purge these thoughts so I can move forward. I want to leave them here so I can look back and remember. I don't want to forget what I've been through and where I've been. As painful as this past year has been, I want to be sure I learn from it so I can move forward a better person for having survived.

I've never been so excited for a year to be over. I was ready to ring in 2009 in September, at least. The entire year was marked by loss...for me, and others around me. I lost two jobs. My family lost my brother-in-law. I lost a boyfriend to the Marine Corps. Needless to say, I lost a lot of tears over the course of the year as well.

In a year of loss, you become keenly aware of the things that remain. I really couldn't have made it through the year if it had not been for my family and friends. My friends were so great to reach out to me when I didn't have it in me to reach out for them. My family has always amazed me. We've always been close, but the loss of my brother-in-law brought a level of intimacy I never knew was possible. My church family remained my shelter. And while I declared to my girl friends that I didn't want to meet anyone, a handsome man came into my life and could not be ignored. God knew so much better than I did. He became such a rock and a refuge for me during these hard times. He was such a bright spot in such a dark time. Even though he's gone on to rejoin the Marines, and regardless of what may or may not happen with us in the future, I will always be grateful for what his presence in my life meant during the past year.

Losses also make you so very thankful for even the smallest of victories. While life brought lots of loss and disappointment, I found victory and temporary escape in football. The wins on the gridiron are in no way comparable to the losses I experienced. It was just nice to be a winner in some way, albeit a mere game. Alabama and the Titans both had phenominal winning seasons that were fun to watch and cheer on each weekend. Then came Monday nights, when I had the pleasure of taking the field with Hollywood, my co-ed flag football. I can't even begin to express how cathartic the football season was for me. It was an absolute joy to hit the field with such a great, fun team of folks. We found a great rhythm and balance of playing hard, playing to win and just having fun. I was actually glad that most week we had a shortage of girls to play because I enjoyed playing both sides of the ball. I wanted as much play time as I could get because I certainly had plenty of tension and stress that needed to be burned off. Football provided that outlet. I couldn't be more thankful. And I don't think Hollywood could have had much more fun than we did.

Then I also had the chance to reconnect with an old friend and with nature - another way in which God showed that He knew exactly what I needed. I was able to spend a few fall weekends surrounded by beautiful mountainsides ablaze with color, nights by campfires, and days exploring God's handiwork. I put more miles on my hiking boots, sat under a waterfall, swam in a cave, rappelled and ascended 200 feet into a pit with new friends. It reawakened a side of me that's been asleep for a while and will hopefully now provide a new drive and direction for the future.

So 2009 is finally here. To say that I'm thankful would be an understatement. It's going to be a good year. I'm determined to do whatever I can to make it such. I can't imagine how it could be any worse than 2008. I don't even want to think about it for fear of jinxing it. So, good riddance, 2008. Welcome, 2009. I look forward to all the wonderful things you will bring.

Come Home

It's been quite a while since I've posted anything on here. Sorry 'bout that. To say that life has been crazy would be a terrible understatement. I'll divulge more of that later. For now, I'll just post something that keeps hitting me between the eyes, in more ways than one. I've had this CD for a while. I've actually been listening to these guys for years (thanks to AH) but recently this song's meaning has become all too real. I'll just let the lyrics speak for themselves. They say it much better than I ever could.

Come Home - OneRepublic

Hello, world, hope you're listening
Forgive me if I'm young or speaking out of turn
But there's someone that I've been missin'
And I think that they could be the better half of me
They're in the wrong place, tryin' to make it right
And I'm tired of justifying, so I say to you

"Come home, come home
'Cause I've been waitin' for ya, for so long, for so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
And the fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home"

I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see, the world ain't half as bad as they paint it to be
If all the sons, all the daughters, stop and take it in
Hopefully, the hate subsides, and the love can begin
It might start now, or maybe I'm just dreamin' out loud, but until then

"Come home, come home
'Cause I've been waitin' for ya, for so long, for so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
And the fight for you is all I've ever known (ever known)
So come home"

Everything I can't be, is everything you should be
And that's why I need you here
Everything I can't be, is everything you should be
And that's why I need you here
So hear this now

"Come home, come home
'Cause I've been waitin' for ya, for so long, for so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
And the fight for you is all I've ever known (ever known)
So come home
Come home"

27 Dresses (Ok, well, maybe just five...)

So, a lovely group of ladies decided to go see the movie 27 Dresses. But we decided it wasn't enough to just get together, go grab food and see the movie. We decided to make it a little more fun than that. We definitely turned some heads and caused some laughter. What you can't see in the picture is that my dress (and Steckel's dress, too) had a train. Yes, a train. J-Wo was so gracious as to crawl up under my skirt earlier in the evening to bussle it for me, but by the time we got to the theater it had come undone. By doing so Ilearned something that movie theathers everywhere might benefit from...bridesmaids dresses with trains are amazingly adept at picking up popcorn off the theater floor. Oh, and that amazing pink dress so fabulously worn by Lauren...yeah, that one's mine, too.

Down on the corner...

I often laugh at the fact that I live in between two of Nashville's umm..."finer" establishments - Hustler and Hooters. The other night (after the storms) while I was walking home I saw this on the marquee at Hooters...

"IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY AT HOOTERS"

Nice. This will do nothing but perpetuate the rumors that I moonlight there for extra cash.

I stepped out on the limb
And you responded
I must have read it a hundred times
I’ll see you Sunday you said
Let the countdown begin
I can’t remember the last time
I was this excited to see someone
You have me intrigued
You have me interested
And it’s been a really long time
Since someone’s done that to me
Have I finally turned the corner?
Am I finally over the past?
There are some big shoes to fill
And with everything in me
I hope you are up to the task
I think about you…and wonder
And it makes me think about myself
It makes me want to be a better me
It makes me want to be stronger
Because I think you deserve that

I hope that you see me
Really see me
I want you to notice me

I noticed you

And I want to know more

Can you hear me now?

This week I think that God is trying to tell me that He knows exactly where I am, regardless of the fact that I'm not really wanting to talk to Him much. Oh, I'm still talking to him, but mostly just lifting up other people. I'm not in the mood to lift myself up in prayer right now mainly because I'm scared of what He will say back. It's all rather silly, I know. I realize that I'm a bit of a spoiled brat in this scenario. And yet, every day this week, it has felt as though He's been gently tapping me on the shoulder just to say "Can you hear me now? I'm right here beside you." Not in a threatening kind of way. Not in a way that scares me. It's actually really comforting and affirming. I want to greet it with a sigh of relief and even a little chuckle.

You see, it all started on Sunday during church. It was yet another message that has me convinced that Randy reads my journal and has my brain tapped. Then on Monday in the midst of work at sales conference I met an intern that goes to school at St. Andrews in Scotland (a place that I'll be visiting in a couple of weeks!) Then on Tuesday we had a guest speaker give a sample presentation of a children's ministry lesson. Can you guess what the lesson was on? Prayer, of course. Then at lunch our speaker was a former resident of Edinburgh, Scotland and talked about it in her presentation which was about her new book on the subject of...you guessed it, prayer. She had a really challenging message. She quoted someone (who I can't remember the name of right now) and he said this...

For everything that has been, thank you.

For everything that will be, yes.

What boldness...to pray that prayer. It's a huge challenge. It's scares the hell out of me. I can't even get past the first part of it, much less begin to even think about the second part. I do take some comfort in the fact that the speaker said she wrestled with this for an entire year.

The past five years have not been easy nor pretty in my prayer life. As I approach yet another birthday, I think I'm realizing that this isn't going to get any easier. This is just the beginning. It's relationship. It's communication at it's purest form - talking and listening. I've tried to shut down the conversation many times, but He just won't let me. He is longing to talk to me and to hear from me. Almighty God wants to talk to me! I can't even fathom it. I need to stop being such a spoiled rotten brat and listen. I'm pretty sure that whatever He has to say is pretty important and that I do not want to miss out on it. His will is going to happen regardless, but I will miss out on the blessing if I choose to not listen. I also have to remember that He will always answer me, but it may not be in the way that I want Him to. And when He answers differently than I want Him to, it does not mean that He loves me any less. He knows me better than I know myself and He knows what is best and has better things in store for me than I could ever plan out for myself.

Speaking of plans for myself, I'm going to NYC and Scotland at the end of the month! I'm hoping it will be just what I need right now...to get out, do something completely new, to recharge me.

So, yes, I hear you, Lord. Thank you for always finding me right where I am. Thank you for never leaving and always listening. Help me to listen to what you have to say to me.

To agree or not to agree - that is the question.

I recently saw this on a friend's blog, and have been mulling over it for a while. There's no arguing that these are good words. They resonate deeply right now, and yet my agreement is still on the fence. I know that I should agree, but I just can't see to get my head and my heart in the same place on this one.

"He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is that you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. His purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby - you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying got get more nutrition out of it. And if youre not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it."

"But I love him."

"So love him."

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of him because then you'll really be alone, and you're scared to death of what will happen if you're really alone. But here's what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot, a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in - God will rush in - and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using him to block that door. Let it go."

"But I wish we could -"

He cuts me off. "See, now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughta be."

-Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love

Not Your Momma's Prayer Time...

I just had prayer time on a waverunner. Yes, a waverunner. Or a "Water Harley" as JenJo likes to call it. I'm not talking about the kind of prayer you lift up from a waverunner when you are the unwilling passenger of a wreckless driver. Or the kind of prayer you say through clenched teeth as you've pushed the machine harder than you can handle. I'm talking about prayers being lifted up as you speed away from something, or towards something, or through or around something.

I needed to take off, feel the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the waves beside me and the speed beneath me. I needed to hold the throttle wide open and at the same time talk wide open with God. I have so many questions for Him right now. Namely, why? Why, God? Why am I still in this place with these same feelings? Why are things the way they are? Why can't I get over this, get past this? Why is my heart breaking...still...again? Why does he want her instead of me? Why do I want him over anyone else? Why haven't you turned his heart? Why haven't you turned mine? Why have I had dreams? Why have others had dreams that confirmed my dreams? Why did I have to be asked about him yet again today? Why would I have these desires if they aren’t going to be fulfilled?

The great thing about having prayer time like this on a waverunner is that your tears are hidden by the waves that splash up on your face so no one knows except you and God.

Now the hard part is listening for His answer and trusting His voice.

“Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief.”

Sparked thoughts…

Was my hair not brown enough?
Were my eyes not blue enough?
Was my touch not light enough?
Did my arms hold you too tight?
Was my kiss too weak?
Was I just too nice?
Was my baggage too light?
Was my past not dark enough?
Did I expect too much of you?
Did I love you too much?

Or was it that I just wasn’t her?

Leave The Pieces

You're not sure that you love me
But you're not sure enough to let me go
Baby it ain't fair you know
To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me
Don't want to see my tears
So why are you still standing here
Just watching me drown

[Chorus]
And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache
Baby you can make it quick
Really get it over with
And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself
With this mess you've left for me
I can clean it up, you see
Just as long as you're gone

[Chorus]

You not making up your mind
Is killing me and wasting time
I need so much more than that
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Chorus]

Leave the pieces when you go
Oh, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Leave the pieces when you go

~ The Wreckers

My song...

There is a song inside of me
I can hear the orchestra tuning
Preparing to triumphantly play it's debut
My entire being longs for it to finally be heard

My voice wants to sing
My body wants to dance
My soul longs to express it

if only I knew the words...

Waiting

I'm waiting. I'm in a holding pattern. I have been for quite some time now over several things and while those things have mostly played out now there's still a couple of situations that still have me waiting. I'm not the most patient person, but I trust God has a reason behind it and I just have to wait on His timing to find out what it's all for. I try to keep myself busy so I'm distracted from the waiting, but at the same time I wonder if I sat still long enough to listen maybe God would whisper some hints to my heart as to what this is all leading toward. I guess I long to have an experience in which God would tell me why I'm waiting or at least say something to make the waiting easier. But then I guess that wouldn't really be waiting and would negate the whole point, huh? So I guess I'll just continue to wait.

Great advice from a great friend...

"I guess the best advice I can offer isn't to guard your heart so much as it is to make sure that following it always has you going in the same direction as following your heart for God."

3,061 < 800

Anyone that knows me knows that I’m horrible at math. But let me assure you that the title of this blog is not only intentional, but also completely correct. Ok, not mathematically, but in theory. Allow me to explain…

I just recently moved out of a house that is over 3,000 square feet. I lived there for 2 ½ years with five other girls. Read that again if you need to…yes, there were SIX of us in that house. It was fun at times, but the longer I lived there the less the house felt like a home to me. It even began to feel suffocating. There were many nights, many Saturday mornings, many ways physically, relationally and metaphorically that I felt confined to my bedroom. There were several times I pulled in the driveway and pulled right back out. There were many times I’d drive by and keep on driving. No one should have to live like that.

So I bought my own place. After much delay and many snags along the way, I now call 800 square feet mine. It’s not much, but it’s all mine. I don’t have to share it with anyone else…unless I want to. It’s surprising to me how roomy these 800 square feet feel, especially in comparison to my previous 3,000+ square feet. I feel as though I can stretch out a little farther. I can breathe a little easier. I can be loud or I can be quiet. I can stay out all night or spend the night in. I feel like I can do more in these 800 square feet than I could in those 3,061 square feet. The difference – it feels like home.

Thank you, Hogan, for being exactly what I needed 2 ½ years ago. Thank you, brothel, for all the parties and all the fun. Thank you for all you taught me. Thank you for breaking me. Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for finally being part of my past.

There’s no place like home.